Tuesday, 5 March 2013

The Road Forced To Be Walked On

‘It seemed just yesterday that life was uncertain, how development in the human brain was on a pause. We wished to disobey all boundaries of morals, go against the wise men and make our own rules but how it all seemed just a dream. My life is a reflection of what is shown on television, unrealistic yet somehow true.’

Is there a possibility or a mere chance of understanding the insanity that an individual can go through? See behind the rugged skin so deeply that the blood still remains blue. Analyse past mathematical equations and see the unaccountable feelings and emotions of individuals lost in their world.

So sad, cannot see myself becoming someone  judging on who I am, so bad how my life is a fantasy for some yet I make it hell for me, and so blinded was I from the multiple truths in this world that could assist me on becoming the man I could become, so I went against the sayings.

‘Let me go.’ were my words, ‘let me live’ were my thoughts yet, ‘keep me close’ were my dreams, ‘keep me close by you’. I could not take the thought of losing everything when I observed others lose their everything. It makes me keep wondering, can I live on, and can life please be any simpler? Please… please?

I walk a lonely road, a road that is only walked on by some who have lost their way. I have lost my way, I have lost everything that I once had and I weep. My thoughts seemed so loud till now, but now all I see is this straight road and that is all that matters to me now. This road was so long that the end seemed unclear, as I felt unclear. The isolation seemed somehow connected to me and all I could think about was how I was meant to be here, that I was meant for nothing else but to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a Gothic persona, but I just felt at...home. I'm so used to feeling lost now that that's all there is to me, that is all I think I should be.

As I continue walking in total Isolation, the smoke consumed me. Affected every part of me through to my mind, the mental pain replaced with a probable physical pain seemed to be worth it. For too long I felt caged, for too long I felt locked away but now I feel this is me, this loneliness became me, and now I feel free within the boundaries in which I walk. Is there a possibility or a mere chance of understanding the insanity that an individual can go through?

All things considered, I really found myself lost because I felt powerless. Everything that led me to being where I was could only be explained as I was too weak to do otherwise. I lived, lied, cried and even loved in fear, fear that my life does not turn upside down with one stupid mistake and yet exactly that had happened. It had all led me to this moment, this very road that will change my life and decide my fate. The torture of not being able to create the path I would want to walk on felt unbearable yet I knew that if I did not, then I would have nothing, not even the path I was given and not even the strength to create the one that I dreamt of, but now the path that I do walk on seems never ending. It’s just a long, straight road with arrows on the ground, the tips of the arrows face every direction but straight as though even the road was begging me not to go further, like there’s some kind of danger on this journey I have been forced to take.

The fog surrounding me seemed ever so thick that the sun or the moon was hard to sight if there was one in the sky, but now for the first time since my thoughts consumed me I have noticed that everything around me felt so unreal, as if it did not exist and that it was all just a fragment of my imagination projected, unconsciously, in front of my eyes for countless, inexplicable reasons but I know now, I had always known since I put foot on this path, that this was very much real. It was as real as anything could get and even if the world told me not to, I had to carry on. So I walk on…

I guess this is where it begins, my journey to a new beginning where the world I envisioned can come true. No matter what I have to do, where I go on this path, I'll find my safe haven, I'll find my home. 

Written By,

Jawaad Saleem