Saturday, 9 March 2013

Monthly Special Article (March) - One Time In UK

A Moment To Understand What The Hell I'm Doing

'One time in UK' is the historical background of the protagonist that has been the centre of my attention in the last two articles. 'Going Home' indicates the individual finally finding and hence going to his one true place that he can call home. Whereas, 'The Road To Be Walked On' hints that there was or will be difficulties that this individual must overcome to reach the happiness that he constantly searches for. However, it is just as much important to take a break from all these difficulties I keep bantering on about and to talk about his past. That is the true purpose of these monthly specials so I hope you enjoy reading them as they keep coming.

The Football Pandemonium 

Dear Readers,

My name is Rahal, which means traveller in Arabic if you're wondering, and I have a concerning incident that I must share with the public. That is before my so called friend announces his own revised version to the hundreds he claims to have on Facebook. In my opinion, he must have created hundreds of accounts and added himself. Actually lets just say he did do that, I hope he is well and healthy to read this as, yes sir, the truth hurts.

However, to explain this incident, hence so you all can truly understand the substantial amount of pressure I as an individual faced, I must rewind back to how and why 'it' happened. See I am an overweight child and of the young age 14. At this age, you readers must surely know, us boys can do silly and truly crazy things. Such as climb over a public school during the weekends to play football on it's private grounds, set off the fire alarm and continue playing as if there will be no consequence to our actions. Yes, we believed the fire alarm was a great background noise to drown out the terrible drumming played by people in a building opposite the school. We were wrong, it just made it worse. Seriously, I took a Panadol when I got home.

There we were, playing football, doing the old blacks versus Asians. It was a great way to create the teams in a quick and effective way. It also created this great atmosphere we loved, we would get along quite well. So pleasant, the running around like crazy monkeys, trying to shoot the ball but realise the other guy already took it off me. I was so close to scoring that time..damn. Oh yes, I'm going off topic.

So after playing a great and full day of fun-tastic, I hope that word is still the 'in' thing, football. We began to head to the main entrance of the school. We were extremely tired to climb over the back and dodging the spikes is hard work people. Please keep that in mind, also I'm overweight so remember that too.

Slowly we drew closer to our fate. What we as kids dreaded, hoped that a day like today would never come in our life times. There they were, the local police authorities, smiling. Smirking at us with their 'somebody's in trouble sunny' look, ready to do what no child should go through. Especially us Asians and Blacks as only we know how hard life can be when it comes to this. They were ready to tell our parents what we did. All they had to do was...catch us!

We ran, Oh God we ran. I ran! A person who weighed well above 90 kg ran! Well technically my friend pulled me so I would move in a more quicker pace than my current but still... I ran! Half way across the pitch, adrenaline rushing, I felt like.. well I felt like Al Pacino in Scarface. A frickin' bad ass against the law. I must say, in those dire minutes, any girl would have embraced me with passion because of my bad ass-ness. It was awesome.

There was utter chaos and confusion from both parties, I had to pick the best escape route so to not get caught by the Old Bill. Nobody could stop me, I was too cool, way too awesome to get caught. I suddenly remembered, my friend and I anticipated such a moment quite some time back. We had created the greatest escape tunnel that no one else knew about. We nodded and ran separate from the gang of idiots that would soon get caught and be sent to... 'Their rooms'.

There we were, crawling through that tunnel that would lead us halfway to freedom, I could see the sunlight. Not that there wasn't any anyway but you get my point. Once we had crawled under the first gate we had to climb over the second. The only problem with that was, it had spikes. My friend climbed over easily, now it was my turn. I began, my hands sweaty from all the football and running and running and football. I slipped but got my grip within seconds, looked down and saw the muddy ground and suddenly cried out, 'God, get me through this and I will pray again!'

I could hear the police, they were standing behind the first gate, amused at my struggle against hell's injustice. They said I would never make it and I should just come back. No sir, I was strong and most likely lost a couple of kg's during the running so I kept trying. Once at the top, the only thing left was to get down. I looked back and shouted, 'HA, now you'll never catch me!' While making my way down, my new jogging bottoms that my mother told me not to get dirty or she would slap me like there's no tomorrow got caught on the spikes. I didn't notice, I didn't know my trousers were caught and the whole thing ripped as I made my victory jump.

My underwear was the only survivor in the chaos we now call the 'great escape'. Yes I went home but naked but I achieved something much greater than the loss of my bottoms and the embarrassment of going home. I achieved a sense of honour and pride. That, no one can take away from me.

So beloved readers, when my friend does update his status, just remember that I was still awesome and now he has no reason to update his status because I have already told the story. Shame stupid.

Yours sincerely,

Rahal Salim

Written By,

Jawaad Saleem