I wrote something for you hoping one day you would read this. A part of me hopes you do, but the other part hopes you don't. Here goes..
Somewhere in the dark corner of this room, I am recalling all your memories. Each and every word echoes clearly in my head, chuckling at some points and in the split of a second it makes me cry too but here it's better. It is better in this lonely room, your things, I still have them but I can't smell you in them any more I feel recovered, suddenly I don't feel unaccompanied at all, I don't feel laid back, I don't feel you are not here any more because I sense you were never there.. I am in such a relaxing state of callowness, ignoring every part of you, trying at least.
These constant vacant feelings, time-aids have made me stronger than I thought I was or I can ever be. Everything keeps beginning to get worse then it becomes normal again, it's like I go out of breath and then achieve normal breathing rhythm, paid the oxygen debt.
Suddenly safe again, safer than I was 7 minutes ago. Sometimes I don't get the distinction between such short intervals of time, our mind is numb at one moment and the next.. We are fine. I think it's a part of the laws of nature that makes us forget things, make us keep moving. Ways of survival I guess because some catastrophic memories can damage your persona so competently and mutely, silent assassins, they are.
That's what I call them but I won't let them murder me, I choose to live and that is what you want too, right? "Live alone" that's what you said before leaving me. However life is going well these days, I wake up every morning, do stuff, get tired at night and sleep again, I sometimes inadvertently move towards the window where we use to sit and talk all day, then your thoughts make me sad again, I don't really like sitting there but somehow at some moment my soul grabs my body, grips it so hard and drags me there. Then I wonder if gravity attracts you vertically also?
Eh, hmm science does prove every object has some force of gravity in it. Anyway the reason why I am writing all this is to tell you that your thoughts heal me also in one way or another, by self-mechanism I move to that window again but this time I don't sit there and get delusional however I close the window, pull the curtains down, then walk to the next room and towards my bed. I lay there for hours looking at the ceiling and thinking that I am living life more steadily now, more confidently, it makes me realize we humans are growing, every second, every minute, every hour. We gradually find ways to relinquish our pains and sorrows.
18th December my birthday, I celebrated it all alone. Winters, it was so cold outside I thought my hands were cold.. Felt helpless. I also became hyper at being so incapacitated but soon I realized it was a childish behaviour. I was overreacting; I can warm myself for a while or maybe for the rest of my life. You know I hear your voice sometimes; when I am working, reading, writing, even driving.. I hear you. I hear you laughing, and giving me friendly advices, keep giving me your voice and the whispers in my ears, keep doing that, it charges me up, makes me keep moving on and on and I can feel it. I am growing.
Ali Khan Niazi